Yesterday evening Randy and I had an argument. It all began when I realized we were to “celebrate” our 5th wedding anniversary tomorrow (Friday, June 28), and we had no plans. And we can’t have plans—tomorrow I will have to go to Sta. Rosa City to take care of our business permit. And then on Saturday I have a teaching stint in San Pedro. So an overnight staycation somewhere is out of the question. Last year, we also were not able to “celebrate” our 10th anniversary (not wedding but last year it had been 10 years since we found each other :)) because were swamped with work. I told Randy that it’s so sad that we may have the financial means to travel and all and YET, hear this: we have never even travelled abroad! Ni hangin ng kahit Thailand lang hindi ko pa nalanghap! Moreover, I have cancelled several dates with friends in the past weeks: I missed going to my friend Teta’s despedida (she is going be whisked away by her groom to Brazil); missed Zumba classes with my fellow Brain Train teachers, etc.
Wherefore art thou, people?
And it’s all because we had have to tie loose ends from the hurricane (itago na lang natin sa pangalang 3,000+ students: UPCAT review, summer enrichment, tutorials, etc.) that hit us last summer. What’s really bad is that we have been abandoned by most of our staff last summer. See, most of them were UP students on their summer jobs. But now that classes have begun, squeezing in tying loose ends from last summer seemed to be too much of a chore for them. But I have to get in touch with them because I do not know several things they’ve done last summer. They’re always MIA. Most of them do not even bother answering my text messages or picking up our calls. So I have no choice but to do these things on my own, with the help of only a couple of reliable people (God bless you Ivy!). I was actually looking forward to June, because I thought June would be our time to rest after the gruelling summer. But no, there are still so much to do even though July is already peeking at the doorstep. My goodness—to think that five years ago, I still managed to organize a June wedding!
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus
Anyway, Randy felt slighted over my depression. He said I should not feel this way because seemingly I have everything—financial stability, a delightful son, a hardworking husband without vices. He said I was at it again—that I am beginning to be difficult to please. But you know, after I ranted, I felt my depression lift. I realized that I just needed to vent. I’ve been cooped in my office these past weeks (after a very tiring summer) and it seemed that in my every waking moment, I was worried. It seems like since January this year up to now, I was always anticipating problems. January to May was OK, because I’ve long ago accepted the fact that they’re stressful months. But not June. So it was very liberating to talk to someone about my woes.
Unfortunately, I vented out to the wrong person. I once read that when you tell your woes to men, they feel compelled to solve it. They feel pressured about it. I do not blame my husband for feeling bad, because he might have felt he let me down despite being a very, very good provider and a very, very good tatay. And when he was “solving” my “life-threatening problem” last night, he mentioned something that shook me—he said it seemed like I was back to my being difficult-to-please—just like before I attended my Victory groups!
God’s gentle nudge
When I said that I have been cancelling a lot of social appointments lately, it included my fellowship with other Christians. Since the last weeks of March up to last week, I went to church only once or twice; attended my weekly Victory Group once; and never attended my Leadership Group. What followed was my lack of quiet time with God. Since I am usually just so tired, I either just doze off in the middle of a prayer or tell God, “God sa sunod na lang ‘yung date natin ha? Manonood muna ako ng Grey’s Anatomy. Pampatanggal stress.” It was palpable that I lost my fire for the Lord.
So that was the missing piece! God was missing from my life! I left Him out.
Ever since I realized how great my God is and how much He loves me, I have dared tell Him to do what needs to be done just to make me closer to Him. Pero may disclaimer—”God, kung pwede ‘wag naman po ‘yung drastic. Pero sige lang po kahit bigyan n’yo ako ng trials, basta ma-remind lang po ako that You are my anchor.” So God gently nudged me!
Today, despite that I had a lot to do, I swore to myself I was going to attend our Victory Group. God was so good that He also sent someone to help us out in the office. See? It makes me well up as I realize how God orchestrated everything to push me back to Him. Everything was perfectly timed: our (kaming mag-asawa) frequent bickering, Randy’s words last night, my feeling of illogical sadness, and the arrival of a new office staff who is so eager to be loaded with plenty of work!
I attended our Victory Group meeting this evening with so much joy. Being with your fellow believers and talking about how great God are definitely heaven-sent. If at first I hated the thought of being forced to be friends with “uncool people”, as most Christians are stereotyped (yes, may mga ganyan talaga akong issue dati), I am now amazed at how we women of different backgrounds, age brackets, and temperaments have been glued together. It’s encouraging to hear about how God works in your groupmate’s life, and it’s refreshing to listen to someone relate how she also struggles to make time for the Lord.
Hebrews 10:24–25 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
1 John 1:7 But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.
O siya, goodbye na muna. My date—God—is waiting. Ang uncool ba? OK lang. I just want to be complete. 😉
- Puzzle image lifted from radicallychristian.com
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